Welcome Fun Seekers,
Thursday is here – our “lighter side” day.
Before we plunge in, be sure to check out the comments from Monday’s post. It continues to deepen, and I’ve participated more in the dialogue than in any other blog post. I wish every person in their 20s and 30s would read it.
Also: if you happen to be between 21 and 35, I’d encourage you to read our latest newsletter and fill out the form at the top. Just click here.
Today’s topic: Jokes. I like jokes. Good ones. Clever ones. Ones that surprise you at the punch-line. And ones that are well executed.
For this reason, I’ve posted various jokes on this blog from time to time.
But now it’s your turn. Today until Sunday is joke week.
In the comments section, post your favorite joke (singular) of all time (sanitized of course).
Our beloved blog manager will choose the author of the best joke and the author of the worst joke.
ONE of them will receive a reward J.
Finally, here’s a recent shot of John Travolta (a distant blood relative of mine – though I would have out-danced him in Grease and everybody knows it!).
Personally, I think he looks much better now J And that’s no joke.
Have a great weekend.
Resource Update:
Check out Shapevine – a site that offers many video resources, including learning podules (video courses) featuring some of the most popular books on mission and church. They even have one for Pagan Christianity.
Also take a look at the new www.house2house.com – new articles have been posted there also. Click the “news and resources” tab and click “stores/articles” at the top. They will continue to update the site with new articles.
tonyyork said,
November 13, 2008 at 12:59 PM
A bus carrying a group of the world’s ugliest people was traveling the precarious curves of a mountain pass when the driver lost control. The bus veered through the guardrail and plunged hundreds of feet to the valley below, killing all on board.
Immediately, the group of ugly people found themselves before the door of the Pearly Gates and Peter was standing there to greet them. He had a surprise for this special group of ugly people.
“Because your life was so hard due to your, umm, extreme, uh, homeliness, the Father has granted you one final request before entering heaven.”
A buzz went through the group that was lined up before the gates but as the first person stepped forward a hushed expectation fell over them.
“I want to be beautiful!” she exclaimed to St. Peter.
And in that instant she was made beautiful to look on and Peter ushered her through the Pearly Gate. But something weird had happened, as well, the guy at the end of the line gave a slight chuckle and a snort.
When the next person in line came forward, he also asked to be beautiful. His request was granted and as he entered the Pearly Gate, the gentleman at the end of the line chuckled again.
It was no surprise after the first two requests that each person who stepped forward asked for the same transformation. And with each passage through the Pearly Gate, the gentleman at the end of the line began to laugh all the harder. By the middle of the line, he was flat out guffawing.
This continued on until it was finally his turn to make his request. He was laughing so hard that he was bent over with tears streaming down his cheeks. And in a breathless voice he gave the final request of the afternoon….
“Make…”
“Them…”
“All….”
“Ugly again.”
Jordan Peacock said,
November 13, 2008 at 1:04 PM
My grandfather loves jokes, but his memory isn’t quite what it used to be. I have, therefore, heard the following more times than I can count, as it is his favorite joke and he wants to share it with me every time I come over.
Some context: it helps if you have heard of the Bloc Quebecois [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bloc_Qu%C3%A9b%C3%A9cois] and know what a Newfie [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newfie] is, and some basic Canadian geography.
So a fellow from St. John’s is speaking to another from Toronto, and the latter asks “What do you think of the Bloc Quebecois’ proposal to leave Canada?” The Newfie mulls the question for a bit, and then responds positively “I’d like that – you’d be closer to us!”.
Dan said,
November 13, 2008 at 3:29 PM
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the sea?
Bob!
Chris Williams said,
November 13, 2008 at 3:33 PM
How do you kill a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a red elephant?
You choke it until it turns blue and shoot is with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a yellow elephant?
Kick it until it gets mad and turns red, choke it until it turns blue, shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a purple elephant?
…
There is no such thing as a purple elephant!!
it works a lot better when you tell it in person. really.
68guns said,
November 13, 2008 at 3:37 PM
N.b. The Irish are made fun of for being stupid. It is not true, but I think in general their “accent” is a favourite for humour.
An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman were trying to con the government and had applied for state benefit as they claimed they could not work due to being partially deaf.
They were all called to an interview and were sitting in the corridor.
The Englishman was called first and as he entered the interview room, the interviewer said in a whisper, “Close the door, please”. The Englishman turned closed the door, completed the interview , and was told that he would not be receiving benefit as his hearing was very good.
The Scotsman was called and as he entered the room, the interviewer said in a whisper, “Close the door, please”. The Scotsman turned closed the door and completed the interview. At the end, he too was told that he would not receive the benefit as he had very good hearing.
As the Scotsman walked out, he said to the Irishman. “What a mistake I made….I should have never shut the door. Whatever you do, do NOT shut the door!!”.
The Irishman was then called and as he entered the interviewer whispered…” Shut the door please”.
To which the Irishman replied…
” No, you shut the door yourself, but I’m not shutting it!!”
Jordan Peacock said,
November 13, 2008 at 4:47 PM
Another favorite…heard this one in church in Australia…
An American, a Brit and an Aussie were sitting in a bar, nursing their wounds. Jesus walks in and taps the American on the back and says “Be healed”. The American jumps up,stretches his back out fully, and buys Jesus a beer in thanks. Jesus moves on to the Brit, fixing his broken arm and getting a shot in return. Finally, Jesus turns to the Aussie who backs away and says “Don’t look at me, mate – I’m picking up compo tomorrow!”
Compo = Workman’s Compensation in Australia.
Peter Craig said,
November 13, 2008 at 4:51 PM
First, I suspect, and this is based only on my own speculation, that Travolta is gearing up for next fall’s blockbuster “The Jesse Ventura Story”. You read it here first…
My joke is actually in two parts.
I told my two year old son this joke one day: What do you call a seagull that flies over a bay?
A bay-gull! Get it, bagel, Ha Ha right?
He countered with:
What do you call a seagull that flies over the ocean?
A seagull!!! (This is really funny when it is unexpectedly said by a two year old.)
This was followed by a long pause where I was laughing. Then, he said, “You didn’t know that, dad? You never heard of a seagull before?”
Anyway, it’s all funnier when a two year old says it…
Have a good weekend all!
meredith said,
November 13, 2008 at 5:06 PM
What do you call a flock of seagulls flying over the bay at breakfast time?
bay-gulls.
david hughes said,
November 13, 2008 at 9:22 PM
Irishman, Englishman and a Scotsman all worked on the building site. Each lunchtime they would sit on the scaffolding six floors up.
The Englishman opens his lunchbox and says ‘ look at this cheese sandwiches again, for years nothing but cheese in my lunch. If I get cheese tomorrow I’ll throw myself off this building.
The Scotsman opens his lunchbox and says ‘ look at this ham sandwiches again, for years nothing but ham in my lunch. If I get ham tomorrow I’ll throw myself off this building.
The Irishman opens his lunchbox and says ‘ look at this tuna sandwiches again, for years nothing but tuna in my lunch. If I get tuna tomorrow tomorrow I’ll throw myself off this building.
Next day arrives, and all three men throw themselves off the building to their deaths.
The wives turn up.
English woman ‘ I wish I’d never given him cheese all those years.’
Scots woman ‘me too I wish I’d never given him those ham sandwiches all those years.
Irish woman ‘ don’t know what he’s complaining about he always made his own lunch.
He he he
mark said,
November 14, 2008 at 3:57 AM
I heard this one a long time ago, so I’ll do my best to relay it here…
One Sabbath day, St. Paul is looking down from heaven. He spots a lonely Rabbi walking along with some kind of bag. He looks closer, and realizes that it is a golf bag. Paul calls to Jesus, “Come look at this Rabbi who has decided to go golfing while everyone else is observing the Sabbath.” Jesus comes over to look at this Rabbi as he is teeing up for a long drive. “What are you going to do?”, Paul asks Jesus. Jesus and Paul watch as the Rabbi takes his swing. He drives the ball long and straight, and to Paul’s amazement, hits a hole-in-one! “What kind of punishment is that?”, Paul cries.
Jesus responds, “Who’s he going to tell?”
Theresa said,
November 14, 2008 at 2:08 PM
A nun was driving to the hospital where she worked as a nurse when her car began to sputter. She looked at the gas gauge and sure enough she was running out of gas. As the engine quit she managed to pull the car to the side of the road. She looked down the street where in the distance she saw what she thought was a gas station so she locked up the car and walked down to get some gas.
Arriving at the gas station and asking to purchase some fuel to carry back to her car the attendant said “I am sorry but we don’t have any gas cans available to put gas in for you” “If you can get a can I will gladly help you out”, said the attendant. The nun said “I think I have something in my car I will be back”. So she made the walk back to the car.
Two old timers were sitting on the front porch across the street when she returned to her car grabbing a bag from the trunk and heading back toward the gas station. They saw she had run out of gas and was curious as to what was going on.
The nun made it back to the gas station and pulling a bed pan out of her bag that she had in her trunk to take to the hospital along with other supplies, asked the attendant would this work to carry gas. He said yes but be very careful carrying it back. It should be enough to get you to the station to get more gas. So he filled it up and she began the slow walk back to her car.
The two old timers saw her coming and asked what in the world is she carrying? When they realized it was a bed pan they looked at each other confussed. The nun carefully placed the bed pan on the hood of the car while she removed the gas cap from the tank.
The old timers were stunned, and the one said to the other “I’ve been a baptist all my life but if that car starts, I’m converting” The other said “yeah I’ve been an atheist and even I will convert if that car starts”
She carefully poured the bed pan contents into the tank, started the car and drove off. The two old timers grab their jackets and headed off to the Catholic Church down the street.
Javi said,
November 14, 2008 at 5:16 PM
It was an interdenominational fellowship encounter and the time for the Presbyterian representative to talk came. She stands in the pulpit and solemnly says:
-We presbyterian are going to be first when the trumpet sounds…
… the dead in Christ shall rise first!
Elmo Q. Shangnaster said,
November 14, 2008 at 8:48 PM
Most people know the legend of William Tell and his unique method of making applesauce, but not many know that he and his family were championship bowlers. Highly skilled, their team was sponsored eagerly by local merchants. To have “Tell’s Terrors” represent your firm was a great honor.
Even now, to be able to claim that the Tells once represented your family business would be of great advertising value. Unfortunately, the old records have been lost, and today we can’t be sure for whom the Tells bowl.
Angela said,
November 15, 2008 at 1:28 AM
A kindergartner teacher decided to have the kids bring a symbol of their religion for show and tell one day.
The first little boy comes up and says, “Hi, I’m Moshe–I’m Jewish, and this is a Star of David.”
The next is a little girl who says, “Hi, I’m Mary– I’m Catholic, and this is a rosary.
Another boy comes to the front and says, Hi, I’m Timmy — I’m Baptist, and this is a casserole!
(Hooray for potlucks!)
Random Acts of Linkage #86 : Subversive Influence said,
November 15, 2008 at 11:06 AM
[...] last series from the comments in Frank Viola’s Friday jokes post, which has several more, including variations [...]
Josh said,
November 15, 2008 at 11:34 PM
You have to understand first that I was raised in a Grace Brethren Church. I heard this joke while working in South America for our fellowship.
It was on a lunchtime break from an interdenominational pastors’ conference that a group of men were chatting outside. The topic had been brought up about how each pastor was accustomed to taking the weekly tithe. There were noticeable differences in how the pastors decided on how much of the tithe went into the church fund, and how much would go towards the clergymens’ compensation.
After hearing a few pastors speak, the Pentecostal preacher remained unimpressed and sought to enlighten the other pastors’ more Fundamentalist practices. He went on to tell the other pastors how God is just and enjoys rewarding those who work faithfully for Him. So after each service he throws all of the money that is collected up in the air. Whatever money falls to the left is the money that God demands. Anything that falls to the right the preacher gets to keep. Now the catholic priest is somewhat impressed by this practice and spoke up about how he does it. He tells about how God knows that without the clergy the church could not be. Since Peter was given the authority over the church, each respective priest must remain central to the organization of his parish. So this priest draws a big circle on the ground and stands in the middle of it. And when he throws the offerings collected at each mass up into the air, he knows that whatever falls in the circle God has separated to sustain the priest. The crowd appears humbled by the faith of this priest. All except for the pastor from Grace Brethren fellowship. He sort of appears bored by this conversation. ‘That is all well and good’, he replies to the pastor and priest. ‘But this is how I do it at my church, he boasts. First, I take every cent in the offering baskets and I go outside. Then I pray that God would accept this offering from the church. And then I throw every single bill and coin into the air. Because it all belongs to God anyways, right? And then I pick up off the ground whatever God leaves for me.’
It is good to laugh at ourselves once in a while!
Gabe said,
November 17, 2008 at 1:54 AM
Three pastors– a Baptist, a Methodist, and a Presbyterian –and their wives booked a cruise vacation to the Gulf of Mexico. On the third night of the voyage, a huge wave capsized the ship and everyone on board drowned.
Suddenly, the three pastors and their wives were in front of Heaven’s Pearly Gates. Just outside the gate stood Saint Peter, who was behind a podium with the Book of Life opened in front of him.
Up walked the Presbyterian preacher. “Hi, I’m here with my wife. I was a Presbyterian minister most of my life and now I’m ready to enter heaven.”
Saint Peter said, “Sure, let me find you.” And he proceeded to scan the Book of Life.
“Nope, sorry you’re not allowed in.”
“Why not!?!” said the Presbyterian minister.
Saint Peter replied, “Because it says right here that you loved food so much, you even married a woman named CANDY. Get out of here!”
The minister turned to his wife, Candy, and admitted it was true. They slowly turned and walked away.
Next up approached the Baptist preacher and his wife. “Hi, I was a minister in a Baptist church for 20 years and we’re here to get into heaven.”
Saint Peter said, “Sure, let me find you.” And he flipped through the pages looking for their names.
“Nope, can’t let you in either. Says here you loved money so much you even married a woman named PENNY. Get out.”
The Baptist turned to his wife, Penny, and admitted it was true. They sadly walked away.
At this point, the Methodist minister turned to his wife and said, “Hmm. Looks like we might not get in either, Fannie.”
W. Joseph Spiker said,
November 17, 2008 at 5:22 AM
Do you know why there are more women in church than men? Because men sleep better in their own beds.
Bill said,
November 17, 2008 at 6:31 PM
They asked a Physicist, a Mathematician and an Engineer for the definition of Pi.
The Physicist said, “Pi is approximately 3.14159, to five decimal places.”
At this the Mathematician (turning up his nose) said, “Ahem. Pi… is the ratio of a circle’s circumference to it’s diameter.”
So they turned to the Engineer and said, “What’s Pi?” And the Engineer said, “Ennh, it’s about 3.”
April said,
November 17, 2008 at 6:46 PM
Did you hear about the two t.v. antennas that got married? The wedding was rather dull but the reception was great!
Jim Fletcher said,
November 17, 2008 at 9:09 PM
A little boy goes to the hospital to visit his elderly grandfather. While alone with his grandpa the little boy asks, “Grandpa, will you make the sound a frog makes?” Puzzled, the grandfather asks the little boy why. The little boy responds, “My mama says that we are going to Disney World when you croak.”
Out of the mouth of babes-be careful what you say in front of your children!
bswan said,
November 18, 2008 at 5:38 PM
A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
Ruth said,
November 19, 2008 at 3:31 AM
Ok, I have two really. And since there hasn’t been a blonde joke yet. I figured I would throw them on here. They are short.
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn’t. The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, “Hurry up! It’s starting to rain and the top is down.”
One day a blonde decided to go horse back riding.
After a very long search, she finally found a horse she thought she could ride. Things started off well enough, slowly trotting along, but soon the undulations started going faster and faster.
Being unexperienced at horseback riding the blonde started to fall off. She tried everything, grabbing the mane, then she tried to grab the saddle, but could not hold on.
Seconds before falling off, the horse finally stopped, allowing her to get off, and gratefully thank the shopper for unplugging the mechanical horse as they were about to enter the department store.
elvineve said,
November 19, 2008 at 1:58 PM
Chanced upon this one.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
Rineke said,
November 19, 2008 at 3:13 PM
The Pope dies and goes to heaven. He’s met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent “Easy Reading” to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, “An ‘R’! They left out the ‘R’”.
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, “It’s the letter ‘R’… the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE.”
Theresa said,
November 19, 2008 at 9:29 PM
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go off and on at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light bulb is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring a bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review the church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don’t believe in change.
Amish: What’s a light bulb?
*Mega (any denom) Christian Church: Theres a light bulb out?
*House church(non-denom): We should all change it, who’s going first?
Milt Rodriguez is Blogging and Other Stuff on the Lighter Side « Reimagining Church said,
November 20, 2008 at 12:11 PM
[...] first things first: The blog manager has extended our joke contest to next Monday. The winner of the award will be announced then. Either the worst joke or the best [...]
M+ said,
November 20, 2008 at 11:42 PM
Heard this one many, many years ago…
Ancient Rome was known for having many passing fads and entertainments. One year such a fad was that of admiring and praising berries.
There was a particular man, a roman citizen, who came upon the most wonderful berry he had ever beheld. Knowing the way the roman people were drawn to such things he decided that he could use this berry to bring himself fame and fortune.
With great care he dug up the berry bush to preserve the berry and transported it to his home where he planted it in his own yard. He then proceeded to invite his neighbors to come to his home to admire this magnificent berry, for a small fee – of course.
The fame of the man’s berry spread throughout the empire. People came from every corner of the empire to admire and praise the beautiful berry. In a short time the man became very wealthy and very famous.
One day a beautiful woman came to admire and praise the berry. The man fell in love with her immediately. Eventually, they married and as a wedding gift the man gave his wife the empire’s most famous berry.
After returning from their honeymoon the happily wedded couple settled into their home only to hear a loud knock on their door. The man goes to answer the door to find that it is Ceasar’s Praetorean Guard.
“Are you the man with the famous berry?” the commander demands.
“I used to be. I gave it to my wife as a wedding gift.” Was the man’s reply. “Why? Have you come to admire and praise her berry?”
To which the guard replied “No! We come to sieze her berry, not to praise it!”
CombatWombat said,
November 24, 2008 at 8:16 PM
One day, as the tour of the old nunnery was conducted, the tourists were shocked to see the ghostly apparition of a nun float past them, but no-one could see the body of the nun inside the clothes. Strangely it happened again the next day, then again a couple of days later…this really disturbed the Mother Superior who hated to think that there might be some spirits left in her old nunnery…so she called for the Exorcist.
No matter what he tried; holy water, crucifixes, even prayer; nothing worked, the ghostly apparition still appeared and floated through the building.
Desperately, the Mother Superior called in the local SWAT team. Eager to do a good work they arrived with high powered weaponry, and opened fire upon the apparition. Apart from filling it with holes, nothing was effective.
Out of her mind, Mother Superior called in a Demolition Expert. The man arrived, laid a samll amount of dynamite where the apparition was known to pass by… and BOOM! only succeeded in blowing a large hole in the floor. The apparition floated on by unperturbed.
So Mother Superior gave up. She ordered a repair crew in to fix up the damage from the dynamite and the bullets. The next day, after the laying all of the new cement, the apparition floated in again, only this time it tripped, fell into the cement, and stuck fast.
The moral of the story?
Old habits die hard.
Oops! said,
December 4, 2008 at 6:42 PM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, ‘Do you know me?’ To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, ‘My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party???’
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.’