I have a love-hate relationship with the Internet. I love to hate it 
I think the Net has helped the work of God, but it’s also aided the work of His enemy. While email, blogs, web pages, discussion lists, and social networking sites all have their advantages (and I use them for that reason), they should never be seen as a substitute for ekklesia. The local assembly, ekklesia, is a face-to-face community made up of Christians who share their lives together.
My friend Stephanie Bennett is an expert in communication and media. And she has written an insightful article on this issue, focusing particularly on the perils of using email to try and solve problems in relationships — which many people have attempted to do without success. With her permission, I’ve published her article here.
Frank
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“Day after day the wind blows away the pages of our calendars, our newspapers, and our political regimes, and we glide along the stream of time without any spiritual framework, without a memory, without a judgment, carried about by ‘all winds of doctrine’ on the current of history. Now we ought to react vigorously against this slackness — this tendency to drift. If we are to live in this world we need to know it far more profoundly; we need to rediscover the meaning of events, and the spiritual framework which our contemporaries have lost.”
- Jacques Ellul
French theologian and social critic Jacques Ellul describes a society that, in the throes of losing its moorings, has surrendered its knowledge of history on the altar of the present, inadvertently letting go of the norms, values, and order that gave it stability. This, Ellul calls “the drift,” and it is a rather apt description of the modern technological society in which we live.
When the drift involves loss of relationship the pain can be devastating. People who have walked through difficult situations together but somehow have lost the ability to love are among the most pained. A foggy ache clouds what could be a bright and joyful countenance, and heartache masked in silence can make us limp along like a crippled dog. Instead of walking in the confidence and freedom of the King, we merely survive. We get by. Losing a close friend or family member to offense is a heartbreak and can feel like a death every time we think of that one with whom relationship is broken. The reason is not complex. We were made for love and our relationships are the practical outworking of love’s high purpose.
Although they are often complicated, messy, and unpredictable, the ability to maintain relationships is a major part of what makes us human. And, the fact that human beings are able to use language to foster relationship is a nothing short of a gift of God. No other part of His creation has this ability. Being made in the image of the One who spoke creation into existence tells us much about the privilege and necessity of our speech. In fact, our ability to speak is something like an embossing of His life on our hearts; it is the imprint of God in our very bodies.
The gift of speech is both a responsibility and an opportunity to grow, but we must embrace this gift fully if we want to see our relationships flourish. Why, then, especially with the opportunity to “make things right” and the holy mandate to forgive, would anyone choose to keep a once-close relationship at bay? Certainly, there are many reasons for this, but frankly, nurturing an offence or holding an old grudge may often seem much easier than directly confronting the pain. Particularly in an age of hyper-communication where social distances are collapsed by the Internet and options to move on to other “close” relationships are numerous, it is much easier to maintain a standoff than it is to engage in true dialogue.
Today, more and more people are finding the pain of fractured relationships assuaged by use of the Internet. Why? It is so much easier to simply tap out an email to say “I’m sorry,” or “please forgive me” than it is to confront another’s face and see the pain we’ve caused. Also, is much easier to edit and control what is “said” via email. Limiting what we will give or receive from another to the evanescent words on a screen reduces the authenticity of the communication, depersonalizing the exchange and collapsing the conversation to a tightly controlled frame. Unfortunately, what we gain with use of the Internet does reduce what we are at risk to lose.
On the Internet is also much easier to hide our true feelings. For as much discussion that has been generated about the need for relationship and rejuvenation of fellowship on the Net, the ability to self-disclose – to be open and honest — with one another is simply not as easy as the click of a mouse. The dynamics of true communion necessitate much more emotional investment than a keyboard and screen can generate. And, when the communication involves reconciliation it is even more challenging. It is MUCH easier to deceive or pretend, thus perpetuating relationships that lack depth or authenticity.
If we focus merely on the conveniences of email and other new media we often simply do not see the way it adversely affects our relationships. This is because technological innovation helps to shape not just the way people work, eat, sleep, and study, but the way we think; and one of the changes involves the way we think about relationships. The instant voice in the public sphere creates new dynamics of friendship, conflict resolution, and perception, as well as questions about the authenticity of relationships in general. While a Web-induced feeling of being known or recognized may assuage the postmodern angst of isolation, the experience also cultivates a new definition of what it means to be close.
As convenient and immediate as these technologies are, they do not make room for the fully human, fully present interaction of face-to-face conversation. We need touch. We need to see the eyes of another. We need to hear a voice. We are human, not machines.
Perhaps greater than the need to use the Internet appropriately is the need for awareness. Becoming aware of “the drift” is no easy thing. Sometimes it takes a complete paradigm shift such as that which might be brought about by survival from a natural disaster such as a hurricane, an earthquake—or a plane crash. People who have long been at odds may suddenly find themselves working side-by-side with those they previously disliked simply as a matter of survival.
In other situations, broken relationships may be suddenly mended by an unexpected death or even a chance meeting in the marketplace. What each of these situations has in common is the actual presence of another. While the Internet makes it possible for us to avoid the face, voice, and actual presence of another, in many ways, it turns the other into an object. Communicating via email may be convenient and helpful at times, but it is simply not appropriate for all occasions.
Reverting to the Internet instead of face-to-face conversation lacks the human presence necessary to cultivate true relationship, for when we are confronted with the face of another human being we make ourselves vulnerable and we suddenly become open to the other as a person. True dialogue becomes much more of a possibility when looking into the eyes of a brother.
Yes, awareness is key, for the rhythm of efficiency and habituation of everyday behaviors can subtly—but definitively—coax even the most loving, God-fearing human being into the stultifying waters of complacency and self-deception. If we think email and facebook interactions are adequate substitutions for true dialogue we will never break out of the tightly controlled biases these media contain. We will remain in our own tiny world of self-perception and reduce the gift of relationship to something that binds us rather than blesses.
This is one of the main reasons the Lord gives us each other. Walking together, side-by-side, in relationship, is a way to keep from deceiving ourselves. Spending time sharing with one another, in face-to-face conversation where the gestures, facial expressions and body language can be “read” along with the words spoken is a necessary part of the process of communication.
Instead, because we have so many options available to mediate our relationships through mobile devices such as the email, text-messaging and social networking sites, we often give up the privilege and responsibility of true communication. We choose the truncated, decontextualized form of interaction that email fosters and inadvertently forfeit the grace that could be ours. Instead of conversation we settle for soundbites. Instead of dialogue we surrender to information sharing. In this way we attempt to control our interactions via technological means that eclipse the God-given treasure of speech and thwart our chances for reconciliation and true relationship development. We drift from common sense. We drift from the gift of God. We drift from each other.
In avoiding the face-to-face conversations necessary to mend our broken relationships simply because we are still in pain or we are afraid we will not be received, we give up the opportunity to reconcile and in that, we miss an opportunity for the Lord to bring healing to our souls. Relationships are built on love and there is no one but the Lord, our God, who loves perfectly. So let us stop trying to attain perfection and simply enter in to HIS love, do our best to truly listen to those we have hurt, and open ourselves to more effective communication behavior and intimacy in our relationships. In that we can trust God to bring about the healing and renewal that is necessary for our lives to truly flourish and take on the savor of the salt of the earth.
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